Jokes anyone ?

[rodp]

Some not quite so offensive jokes I've been sent

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,



Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

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7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they
Tested positive for WD40.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....

Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.
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2 Indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

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In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead and anything else they could get their hands on.

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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

[22-250jock]

King Arther was preparing to go on a quest that would take him away from Camelot for a long time.

He was worried about leaving Guinevere alone with all those randy knights of the round table,
so he went to Merlin for some advice. the good wizard showed him his latest invention, a chastity belt with a large hole in it.

''this is no good, Merlin!'' Arther exclaimed

''look at this opening. how is this supposed to protect the queen?''

''Ah, sire, just observe'', said Merlin as he selected his most worn-out wand and inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt, whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and neatly cut it in two.

''Merlin, you are a genius!'' said the grateful monarch, ''now i can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected''

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthe rthen set out upon his quest. several years passed until he returned to camelot. Immediately he assembled all the Knights in the courtyard and instructed them to drop their trousers for a formal inspection.

sure enough! each and everyone of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. all except Sir Galahad

''Sir Galahad'', exclaimed the King

''the one and only true knight!, only you among the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it shall be yours!''



But alas, Sir Galahad was Speechless!!!!

[rodp]

[some bloke]

Keyboard needs a wipe.

[chas]

Keyboard needs a wipe.

Doesn't take much to get you excited Dave

[22-250jock]

A group of girl friends go on holiday,

They see a five story building with a sign that reads ''for women only''

since they are without their boyfiends, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive chap explains how it works.

''We have five floors.... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you're looking for, you can stay there. Its easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you whats inside.''

so they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads.. '' all the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind''

the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

the sign on the second floor reads '' all the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly''

this wont do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign says '' all the men here are great lovers and sensitive to womens needs''

this is good, but there are still two floors to go. on the fourth floor the sign reads...''perfect, all the men here have perfect builds; are sensative and attentive to women, and are perfect lovers. they are also single, rich and straight.''

the women are pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer.

when they reach the fifth floor the sign reads,....














''there are no men here. this floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman!!''

[rodp]

If you don't like non pc humour then don't read these, and if you don't get the idea that a joke is a joke and not a statement of fact then don't read these, OK.




British humour - ABSOLUTELY POLITICALLY INCORRECT






Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...





They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.











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During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".











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Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so CrimeWatch is being shown 5 times a week now.











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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.











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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"











=======================================





A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

[fizzbangwhallop]

I felt uncomfortable watching the Olympics womens weightlifting because the commentator said some of the women's snatches were cleaner than others.

***

I just don't understand all the hype about Carlsberg being the best lager in the world.... I found half a can on the wall outside this morning and it just tasted like pee!!

****

Pete the serial flasher was thinking about retiring but now he's decided he's gonna stick it out for another year and see what happens.


They don't get any better!
Fizz

[22-250jock]

just seen this one on another shooting forum


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xoe5Vjl9 ... r_embedded

who comes up with these adds

[fizzbangwhallop]

just seen this one on another shooting forum


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xoe5Vjl9 ... r_embedded

who comes up with these adds

That's a cracker!! Bloody funny! Nearly PMSL!

This is another old favourite of mine... always worth a look to cheer anyone up!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw

Fizz